[ He laughs and squeezes her hand in turn, but then she brings up the topic of home, and just like that, everything shifts. His expression falls, a deep frown etches into his features, and he carefully pulls his hands away from hers. Stepping away and pointedly avoiding eye contact, he to begin pacing a short path in front of the register, twisting the rings on his fingers in a clear display of anxiety. ]
Yeah, uhā¦
[ In his time here, his fears have simmered into a nervous buzz rather than the sparking blaze theyād been in 86, but this is the topic that always stokes the fire again. It absolutely terrifies him and twists his stomach into knots, and as much as he tries to avoid thinking about it, it gnaws at him constantly, and it has been for a long time. ]
I guess you can say Iām just chasing something I canāt have either. Because I donāt think thatās happening. For me, at least.
[ Hawkins never extended him a whole lot of graceāit wanted him dead and thatās what it got in the end, but absence apparently makes the heart grow fonder, and Eddie has grown to realize that he probably loves Hawkins about as much as he hates it.
Thereās a lot back there that heād rather not see or experience again, but he still justā¦wants so much. He wants to see his uncle again, wants to tell him heās sorry for not calling and sorry for leaving him with a metric ton of bullshit to clean up. He wants to see Max get better, because she has a stubborn streak wider than anyone heās ever met and heās convinced that sheer spite alone is enough to get her through. He wants to graduate and see his bandmates graduate, wants to officially leave Hellfire in Dustinās capable hands, attend one of Lucasās stupid basketball games and maybe even apologize to Mike for not believing his girlfriend was real to begin with. And now on top of all that, he also wants to be there to viciously judge any girl who wouldnāt want Robin, and to see if this thing with Steve can survive outside of this fantasy world theyāve found themselves in. He thinks it could. But he also doesnāt think itās in the cards for him, and itās enough to make him want to die all over again.
And itās true, he has no proof, just the knowledge that he died horribly and tragically and that even here, it feels like heās death is nipping at his heels and heās constantly teetering on the edge of his own grave. In a place where anything seems possible, his ability to go home shouldnāt be the one thing to be called into question, but heās spent the last two years steeling himself against the pain that will inevitably come when everyone else slips back into their home worlds and leave him behind.
Alone.
Still pacing, he worries at a thumbnail, his eyebrows knitting together as he contemplates how much more he should say. But he gets chatty when heās anxious, and Robin trusted him. He can trust her with this, even if he's never voiced it out loud before. ]
He, uhāhe told me he wouldnāt go back without me. Likeāforever ago. And thatāsāthatās great, thatās perfect, right?
[ That conversation happened a year into their stay in Abraxas, and Eddie still wants so desperately to cling to it, butā¦ ]
But thatāsā¦thatās not fair, you know? Iām not gonna ask him to just never see home or his family or friends or a real goddamn can of Coke again just because Iām scared shitless of being left here alone. That's a level of selfish that even I just can't do.
no subject
[ He laughs and squeezes her hand in turn, but then she brings up the topic of home, and just like that, everything shifts. His expression falls, a deep frown etches into his features, and he carefully pulls his hands away from hers. Stepping away and pointedly avoiding eye contact, he to begin pacing a short path in front of the register, twisting the rings on his fingers in a clear display of anxiety. ]
Yeah, uhā¦
[ In his time here, his fears have simmered into a nervous buzz rather than the sparking blaze theyād been in 86, but this is the topic that always stokes the fire again. It absolutely terrifies him and twists his stomach into knots, and as much as he tries to avoid thinking about it, it gnaws at him constantly, and it has been for a long time. ]
I guess you can say Iām just chasing something I canāt have either. Because I donāt think thatās happening. For me, at least.
[ Hawkins never extended him a whole lot of graceāit wanted him dead and thatās what it got in the end, but absence apparently makes the heart grow fonder, and Eddie has grown to realize that he probably loves Hawkins about as much as he hates it.
Thereās a lot back there that heād rather not see or experience again, but he still justā¦wants so much. He wants to see his uncle again, wants to tell him heās sorry for not calling and sorry for leaving him with a metric ton of bullshit to clean up. He wants to see Max get better, because she has a stubborn streak wider than anyone heās ever met and heās convinced that sheer spite alone is enough to get her through. He wants to graduate and see his bandmates graduate, wants to officially leave Hellfire in Dustinās capable hands, attend one of Lucasās stupid basketball games and maybe even apologize to Mike for not believing his girlfriend was real to begin with. And now on top of all that, he also wants to be there to viciously judge any girl who wouldnāt want Robin, and to see if this thing with Steve can survive outside of this fantasy world theyāve found themselves in. He thinks it could. But he also doesnāt think itās in the cards for him, and itās enough to make him want to die all over again.
And itās true, he has no proof, just the knowledge that he died horribly and tragically and that even here, it feels like heās death is nipping at his heels and heās constantly teetering on the edge of his own grave. In a place where anything seems possible, his ability to go home shouldnāt be the one thing to be called into question, but heās spent the last two years steeling himself against the pain that will inevitably come when everyone else slips back into their home worlds and leave him behind.
Alone.
Still pacing, he worries at a thumbnail, his eyebrows knitting together as he contemplates how much more he should say. But he gets chatty when heās anxious, and Robin trusted him. He can trust her with this, even if he's never voiced it out loud before. ]
He, uhāhe told me he wouldnāt go back without me. Likeāforever ago. And thatāsāthatās great, thatās perfect, right?
[ That conversation happened a year into their stay in Abraxas, and Eddie still wants so desperately to cling to it, butā¦ ]
But thatāsā¦thatās not fair, you know? Iām not gonna ask him to just never see home or his family or friends or a real goddamn can of Coke again just because Iām scared shitless of being left here alone. That's a level of selfish that even I just can't do.